Proverbs 31 Woman A Modern Translation

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

A good wife is like an army force of one.

Her invaluable special-forces training give her the ability to accomplish phenomenal tasks,

i.e., extreme multi-tasking, seeing things from the eyes on the back of her head,

hearing what children are thinking, and leaping tall piles of laundry in a single bound,

all while text messaging and checking email.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

Her husband totally loves it when she goes to the grocery store with a list,

especially when she takes her shoebox of coupons and not only saves money,

but comes home with a refund.

She brings him good not harm all the days of her life.

She refrains from socking him when he is gassy in public

and is committed to being with him all the days of her life

even when he wears a plaid flannel shirt out to dinner.

She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

She belongs to the sock of the month club

and knits a new pair of socks for every major holiday.

She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

Let’s just face it, she loves to go shopping

and will travel fifty miles to the nearest Sam’s Club.

She gets up while it is still dark and she provides food for her family

and portions for her servant girls.

When the baby wakes up at four in the morning she shuffles into the kitchen

and fixes his bottle and mindfully remembers to take the meat out of the freezer for dinner.

Her servants: the dishwasher, stove, refrigerator, washer and dryer

don’t eat, well, the washer and dryer eat socks, but she'll fed them later; so she goes back to bed.
She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She takes a class at the local community college

and learns how to make a few extra bucks on e-bay; out of her earnings she starts her own business called

“Let Me Sell Your Stuff on E-bay”

She sets about her work vigorously;her arms are strong for her tasks.

She runs around the house picking up after her family members;

her arms are strong from moving the furniture while searching for lost items

like shoes, keys, wallets, and cell phones.

She sees that her trading is profitable

and her lamp does not go out at night.

After she receives her first check from her e-bay sales,

she stays up all night posting new items on her website.

In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

In her hand she holds her laptop

and with her fingers she both left and right-clicks as she peruses

the world wide web for good deals on clothing and home decor.

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

She makes and takes a meal,

albeit macaroni and cheese from a box, salad from a bag,

spam from a can, and rolls from the freezer to a sick friend;

on her way she drops off a bag full of clothes at the Good-Will store.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

While at the Good-Will store it begins to snow,

but she has no fear for she has found nice matching scarlet sweaters for all her children.

She makes coverings for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

From the matching sweaters that her kids refuse to wear,

she makes a wool quilt while wearing the beautiful purple linen pant suit

she found while shopping at Good-Will.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

Everyone yells “Hi Joe” when her husband enters the hardware store

and takes his place among the men at the coffee pot

discussing the lofty topics of politics, and sports.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She re-designs t-shirts and sells them at craft fairs,

and the other crafters go nuts for her crocheted scarves.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She doesn’t fear getting older because, for one, it doesn’t do any good

and it gives her worry lines that make her look even older;

and two, strength, dignity, and wisdom simply mean

that she has been around the block enough times

to know her own faults and limitations and isn’t afraid to admit them.

She watches over the affairs of her household

She keeps up the master planner complete with every scheduled doctor’s appointment,

soccer game, dance class, grocery list, menu, immunization record,

shoe/shirt/pant/dress size of her entire family, address book,

emergency contact numbers, bible study notes, dental x-rays,

record of the last oil change, birthday card list, sermon notes,

recipe cards to hand out at choir practice, and

the words to that song no one could remember on the last long car ride.

She does not eat the bread of idleness.

She has a Wii game center so that when bored she can bowl, play tennis,

race cars, or kick-box her way out of the dull-drums into a force to be reckoned with.

Her children arise and call her blessed

Her children kiss her on the cheek in the morning and say

“Thank you, thank you, thank you. You remembered to dry my clothes.”

Her husband also, and he praises her.

“You’ve ironed my shirt and made my lunch for two days in a row. How did I get such a wonderful wife? Honey, you’re the best!”

Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.

Martha Washington, Mother Teresa, Harriet Tubman, Susan B. Anthony

and Barbara Bush are famous noble women in history, but you…
You do the noblest things like,

kiss boo boos, change diapers, and make your husband laugh.

You get up every morning and give your heart to the lives of your family.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Any woman can talk a good game and look beautiful in her twenties,

but what really counts is the beauty that rises out of making good choices,

putting others first and loving God with all your heart, soul, and strength.

Give her the reward she has earned

Seriously, let her take a long luxurious bubble bath,

followed by a two hour nap, her favorite book and movie

and don’t forget to bring in a tray of chocolates and herbal tea,

while she gets a mani-pedi.

And let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Let her enter her living room by way of the red carpet

while cheering loudly, hugging her tightly,

and telling her she is wonderfully beautiful,

it looks like she’s lost weight,

and that she smells nice too.